Social Networks Ruin Relationships

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I was about to post this on twitter but I need more than 140 characters to share/vent my perspective:

It’s official: “social” networks ruin relationships by allowing us to know each other enough to not like each other…

What I wanted to say: I’ve come to the realization before that actively sharing your opinion sifts out the real friends and arguments amplify this. Blogging made this apparent a long time ago, especially in the ‘04 election cycle, but it’s amplified now.

Social networks like Twitter and facebook demand attention–it’s making all of us post about every thought, afterthought or quip–regardless if it’s about us or not. I’m sure there’s some phd thesis on this topic but when I think about how relationships interacted just a few years ago it didn’t happen like this.

There’s a ton of differences but attention is one. It would be impossible to get this attention way back when AIM was cool.

Imagine being at a party with all of your “friends”–all of those on your follower/lists:

How many conversations could you possibly have?
With everyone broadcasting we all get an equal voice ( as long as you post as much as the next person )…

Who would you tend to gravitate too?
…we’re also broadcasting without exclusivity…

What topics would be discussed?
…without exclusivity, the friends we talk to everyday hear as much as our friends we meet a few times a year.

Let me circle back, since I’m clearly processing thoughts as I write this post ( that’s how I roll, sorry ).

Social networks are not bad, nor are they ruining relationships–people are accountable for what they share, how they share and whom they share with…

…get to the point already…

I’m coming to the realization that this new dynamic of friendship ( that being twitter and facebook ) is speeding up the inevitable–someone getting to know you ( and I ) enough to build a respectful friendship regardless of disagreement, or to grow existing relationships, or neither, or worse.

disclaimer: I didn’t have any one person in mind when I wrote this, this is rather a collection of my experiences through blogging and the new “real time” web. But if you’re thinking this post is still about you, you’re probably right and here’s the test; contact me immediately; WAIT…if you were truly about to call or write, you passed the test and rest assured you’re wrong; if you hesitated ask yourself, “do I really care what he really thinks?”; if you answered “yes”, you’re wrong, see you soon; if you thought “no”, you’re right this post was personally about you –only you– and you should stop following me on Twitter and de-friend me on facebook, it will be best this way, maybe we can be friends in real life though.

Blog

June 14

Comments

twitter

Emiloly

So what you are saying is that social net working sites speed the process up in regards to how fast you get to know a person and either like or dislike them?

dancameron

Pretty much, and that just might fit into 140 characters.

Reid Peifer

I'm suffering from the "people I only sorta know are annoying me in social networks and causing me to not want to know them anymore" syndrome. I'm sure they're delightful people, and in person I'd probably really like them, but their social network personalities irk me.

Can you be friends with people that you don't want to be 'friends' with?

dancameron

annoying: Right on, I feel the same exact way with a lot of people I "follow" online. It's really wierd too, since I could just ignore and stop following and joining the conversation. The sad part is--I know there's a lot of people that think the same about me :(

question: I don't think so. I'm thinking "friendship" is something so personal it means something different for everyone, so if you don't think it's a friendship it's not. Of course, they may think it is.

Thanks for stopping by Reid, too bad we weren't able to hang out more when you were in SC.

dancameron

The more I think about it this post may deserve a follow up, since I stressed the negative when I should have emphasized the good. There's a whole other side of the "real time"/social web that allows us to find friendships, where in any other circumstance wouldn't have happened. Especially location'ally.

And I may have not been direct enough when I stated this type of interaction speeds up the process of friendship building.

Martha

Sorry if I misunderstood.

dancameron

There's no need to be sorry. I'm glad you said what you did, it probably makes sense I clarify a few things; especially the fact that this post wasn't meant for people to judge their own actions because I think I/we/you/they were or are wrong, it was meant to point out an observation/conclusion I've come to recently--wrong or right.

Thanks for not proceeding to the last step of my test :), "see you soon".

JaredB

This is a great post; I thought it was very insightful.

dancameron

Hope that's a good thing.

JaredB

Definitely - there was no sarcasm at all there, although the question as to whether there was only serves to underscore the point. :-)

I was just trying to (uncharacteristically) stick to the bare minimum quantity of text, so that was just a brief sentence that plainly summed up my reaction to the post. But since you might apparently be interested in the longer version... :-)

I totally agree with you that online "conversation" is a drastically different concept than what we have traditionally (as humans) grown accustomed to, and that we (as a culture) are experiencing both the joys and growing pains of that adjustment.

I also think the ability / power of "broadcasting" that has suddenly been bestowed on everyone who has an internet connection, ready or not, is hugely beneficial (in some cases vital) but can also have serious negative impacts on some aspects that are not immediately apparent.

I've certainly experienced more than enough instances where, had the conversation been held in person (or even via telephone), subtle hints (body language, reaction time, tone, etc.) would have made it apparent that things were veering off into unnecessarily uncomfortable territory, if the subject had even been deemed appropriate to bring up in that context in the first place.

Those kinds of filters are the ones that are so easy to forget online, and on the flip side (listening vs. speaking), the wide array of possible interpretations of any given statement can so easily lead to misinterpretation and offense, if we are not vigilant to give the other person the respect and benefit of the doubt.

dancameron

That last sentence is perfect, not to knock the rest of what you said :) ...

...if we are not vigilant to give the other person the respect and benefit of the doubt.

One of the things that's been in my head since I started writing this post is respect. I shied away from the topic because I wasn't sure what respect and friendship really meant to people. To me, friendship demands respect--you can't have one without the other; most would agree. However, most would not agree that respect is critical within any conversation.

As I mentioned, that's been one of the leading drivers to this post but I'm still processing. Especially, the process of thinking about how to put thoughts into words, which may never happen. There could easily be a debate of terminology; or a misunderstanding of perspective; or the notion of offense; even how I used "conversation" within "critical within any conversation" should be deconstructed to mean two-way conversation vs. one-way because the point would be lost otherwise.

Thanks for commenting again. I feel like I should startup blogging again but I realize the massive time-suck will never make it happen.

Martha

Hmmm...I"m stuck on a couple of points. The first is "sifts out the real friends" and the second is "speeding up the inevitable". On point 1: I'm just editotializing here, but saying that 'real friends' won't call you on on crap and speak up if they don't agree with what you have to say...if that's what you mean...maybe those are not the real friends but just the ones who choose not to rock the boat? Perhaps? And on point 2: I don't really see how any form of breaking relationship, close or distant is good. That's what this sounds like to me, that these forms of communication are just making a split happen sooner rather than later. Maybe they would be better used to hash out differences and accepting two sides to something? Just some things that stood out to me. Take them at face value...or throw them out. However you wish.

On a tiny little personal note, it does seem that some things are personally directed at specific incidences only because you allude to them a lot. I'm probably just reading into it, but that's how is comes across.

dancameron

point 1: You misunderstood what I meant since you're actually re-iterating what I tried to say. Real friends do "call [us] on...crap and speak up if they don't agree with what [we] say", I tried to wrap the good result of these types of conversations with the "build a respectful friendship regardless of disagreement" in the last part of the post. What I mean by sifting is--we're prone to get into disagreements a lot online, since we share so much,. Again, if we were just friends hanging out this process of getting to a know each other enough to not want to be friends takes a lot longer. I can account for a couple 'friends' that I had at the Bridge, where I had direct communication only with, but now that I know them a little more I can honestly say I don't want to be associated with. You should also realize, I'm not saying this is a bad thing, there's a lot of benefit of getting to know people more in order to build honest good relationships with.

point 2: [I have to make this quick since I'm leaving.]
There's a point in every type of relationship where enough is enough and the building blocks of a friendship crumble...I'm also not excessively talking about some pseudo disagreement as you may be alluding to.

specific incidences: I'm not alluding to anything in this post--that's for sure, especially instances where you would be involved. Where did you conclude that from this post?

I can however honestly say [again] that my past experiences have made me come to these conclusions but you should know this isn't directed at any particular instance--this is an observation/conclusion I have made. Not some open letter to someone.

[why did I think this was going to happen ? ]

Stacy LIttlejohn

this is really interesting Dan!

Social Networks Ruin Relationships

About the Author, Dan Cameron: